Recovery is worth it

I have realised that my last posts all were quite negative. I am really sorry for that… I’ll try to change That 🙂 

Today I thought I might come up with a list “why I want recovery”. To remind myself  (and maybe you too) why it is worth it.

Do it for…

…being a healthy, happy mom for the kids that I may have in the future.

…the ability to go swimming with friends and not feel bad about myself.

…all the people that constantly worry about us.

…being able to just order the dessert you like most and enjoying it.

…relaxed evenings with friends , dining out or cooking with them.

…being able to walk through the whole day and not feel too weak or tired for it.

…getting up in the morning and not being afraid of the day.

…helping other people because I am strong enough to do so.

…being able to try out new foods and decide wether I like them because of the taste, not the calories in it.

…finding my true self that is burried below all the crap my disorder tells me to be.

…having ice cream with my best friends in summer and not having to fake laugh.

…my boyfriend.

…all the yummy foods you could try when travelling.

…one day maybe being able to get up in the morning and not feeling pain.

…many more sunrises and sunsets that reflect the beauty of nature and its creator.

myself, because I’m worth it.

•  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •

I wish all of you a wonderful day ❤

   
 

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Comparing.

I found this text on a blog I like a lot and wanted to share the thoughts with you. I found myself in that text. It’s true for me too.

Wandering to Freedom

If there is one thing that has hindered my recovery, it would be comparing myself to others.

Many people around me are not very well mentally aswell and it is hard to focus on your own recovery. When i am in a positive place, sometimes others wont be. So i will see their freshly self-harmed arm or them not eating and it makes me feel bad for trying to recover. It is the most weird messed thing but I start to miss that bad place that i have been in so many times before.

Or another scenario is i will be in a public place (or anywhere for that matter) and this first thing i will notice about any girl is their legs.Whether they are bigger or smaller and just confirming the idea on how fat i am. It never stops. I am always always always comparing myself to others…

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Girls only :P

as I’m on my ‘girly time’ at the moment, I struggle a bit. I know it’s normal to be a little bit heavIer and maybe bloated during that time due to the (I think it’s called liked that, correct me if I’m wrong) water retentions, but I still tend to struggle with that. Also binge cravings are normal but… You probably know how I feel. 

Actually it is good that I have my period, I lost it twice but since I am weightrestored my body recovered quite good. And maybe you remember that one of my reasons for recovery is the wish to have kids in the future. They need a strong healthy mom. 

So how do you guys deal with that? Any ideas how I could make myself feel a bit better? 

(I splitted todays posts into 3 parts because they are completely different topics and I thought shorter texts would be better to read 🙂 ) 

  

B/P – the most effective way to kill confidence

(Sorry for the absolutely off topic article pic! I just had nothing better xD) Binging and purging is the worst thing you could do from my point of view. It kills every tiny rest of self-respect. First you lose control and then make yourself throw up because you have such a huge amount of selfhate inside. This is horrible. Those who have experienced it know that. And it’s EXTREMLY dangerous for your body.  I really want to fight it. And today I’m 35 days purgefree :)) I’m kinda really proud :))   But I still struggle with binging. Way too much. It’s a miracle, I should be way chubbier than I am from the amount of food I eat. (Maybe I’ll once post a pic of me, not sure yet, what do you think?) But somehow my body does only put on a certain amount of weight very fast and then I’ll keep that weight.  Well, might sound like I’m lucky but I still feel very bad after binging. This morning I found some ideas which could probably prevent binges. I thought I could share them with you 🙂 :   

There is no elevator in recovery, you have to take THE STEPS 

i read this quote in one post on wordpress a couple of hours ago and I really liked it… So I stole it 😀 (sorry to those who own it but it’s so cool 🙂 )

I decided to try to recover again some days ago. It has been my third relapse but nobody actually realised it. That means: no therapy. Which is good. For me therapy has been useless, even triggering. When I wanted to be better, and stop measuring my worth in kilograms, they weighed me every week. That was actually very triggering for me. But my therapist was pregnant then, last year, and therapy ended. That was in late spring or early summer. In winter I relapsed again.

My weight is not a constant ‘down’. I can lose several kilos within a couple of weeks but put them on again in half the time. I struggle(d) with binging & purging, restricting and overexercising and just a lot of different weird eating habits. It’s gotten harder over the years, my weight has been stable in normalweight range for about 14 months now, but I haven’t been ‘recovered’ at all. I made everyone believe I did, always saying ‘look I eat’ and ‘I’m not underweight’ but to be honest, I have been struggling a lot anyways.

Due to ballet & overexercising, I built up a lot of muscles in my legs. People tend to not believe me that I am not underweight because I look underweight. It’s just that muscles are heavy, so my bmi is way higher than it seems from looking at me. I always thought of this as being super cool because I looked underweight but as soon as a doctor put me onto the scales they couldn’t say anything ‘against me’…

So far for my story. At least some bits of it. My past has always been full of struggles, self harm, depression, rape, bullying, … 

But I want to have a brighter future! I think I have many reasons to recover:

  • Ballet. I have to be strong enough to dance!
  • My boyfriend. In autumn this years we want to move in our first own apartment, study at university and start over, in another city. I want to be able to start over and live a new life without ED some time. 
  • I’m so sick of relapsing/recovering/relapsing…purging/binging/restricting…hiding/panicking/crying/isolating……… And so on and so on. I WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN! 
  • Maybe I want to have kids in the future. They need a healthy and strong mum. 

So this was just a lot of random information about me 😉 just to show you a little of the person behind this blog 🙂