F**k it! (TW!)

——————-Triggerwarning—————

As I told you in my last post, I am ill. Very ill. It started on sunday evening, I couldn’t eat or drink anything without throwing up. Drinking is better now but I can exactly tell you what I have eaten since then: 3 cookies, 1 slice of cucumber, 1 cup veggie broth. Yup, way too less. But I Really couldn’t eat. I even had those ‘hungerdreams’ in which you dream of eating and nothing else…

I feel incredibly weak. And I hate it! Even walking the 12 steps to the toilet makes me feel dizzy and I’m afraid to pass out. I hate the whole situation…:/

Now you can imagine how I feel… But there’s one more thing…: I’ve lost over 4lbs in about 50 hours. This is the lowest weight I’ve been this year. And I am so damn insecure about how I “should” feel. I am still normalweight. But I am so extremly afraid of gaining weight back. I know, that’s the ED. But I didn’t even try to lose weight! I want recovery, so badly, but since I chose to recover, I had two health problems that made me unable to eat, my tooth that was pulled out and now…:( 

it’s so hard to stay positive when your body hurts that much and you have to lay calm all day because you can’t move… Even typing gets harder … I’ll try to eat some rusk later, I just have to get better very soon! 😦 

————————Triggerwarning———-

Love, Katharina xXx 

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8 thoughts on “F**k it! (TW!)

  1. Keep your focus on your good health and getting better and keep steady in what you know to be true – not in want you want to be true. The ED can make you think in so many unrealistic and irrational ways. You are a strong individual who is, irrespective of physical form, a person with a beautiful spirit who is worth caring for and loving. Care for and love yourself!!!! We truly attract into our life what we put out! Know that you are of value to this world – not because of a weight or a number but because of your genuine, loving spirit.
    Be patient and let your body heal itself – get well soon so you can continue to share yourself with the world!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for these encouraging words ❀ you are right… The weight doesnt define my worth. I am just so insecure About the whole thing. You have to know that I am not in therapy at the moment… I have been but at the moment I have nobody to ask about certain things… Also I've never seen a nutrician, never had real meal plans or so… Just insecure about it all… But thank you very very much ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I would highly recommend seeking treatment for your eating disorder. It’s very difficult navigating a health care system to find the support that you need, but it’s important to be persistent. I thought I knew how to eat in a healthy way and I thought that I should be able to recover on my own – after all, it’s just about food, right? Nope – it’s so much more – it’s about uncovering a relationship with ourselves, our world, and our bodies. Professional guidance is profoundly important…but not just “any” professional – it took me a lot of searching to find a treatment group/program that was of benefit to me. Just as we each are unique so to is our own path to recovery. Keep searching for yours!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yeah I think I will have to start a therapy again one day. But as I move away in about 5months, starting a program here is kinda useless, I mean I would need a couple of months to even get to know my therapist..
      At the moment I am physically stable, not risking my health and doing quite okay so I think I’ll manage it to ‘survive’ until I can really start a treatment. Also I have my boyfriend who really looks after me and has already helped me a lot AND my dad is a doctor and my mum is a nurse πŸ˜‰ so yeah I try to make it through, but to ‘really’ catch up on the past I have to seek help. As soon as I am settled in the new place πŸ™‚
      Thanks for taking the time to read & answer πŸ™‚ really encouraging words πŸ™‚

      Like

  3. Aww hun I’m so sorry to hear you’re at a hard place at the moment 😦 ..if only recovery was more simple! Perhaps you could try to think about food in a different way.. rather than seeing it as only making you gain weight, food – or more so the nutrients in the food, will give you strength. It will allow your brain to think rationally, it will enable you to walk around the house and not feel like you will pass out. Food is just fuel for your body to function. You can’t run a car without any fuel so how can you expect your body to?

    Something that really was a wake up call for me was after I was allowed to leave hospital I literally was not able to do anything independently – and being 20 and losing that was just horrible. To go to the shops I had to be in a wheelchair as that would be too much walking for me to handle.. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed because it’s just not worth it at all. I had to keep thinking was being skinny worth not walking? not having a job? feeling like socialising? being able to hold a conversation without blanking out mid way through?

    I encourage you to hold on to your dreams and aspirations (not relating to weight) because that’s what will get you through. Your recovery story will be so great and who knows how many other people you’ll be able to help and encourage πŸ™‚

    You are doing great so far so don’t let this small hiccup reverse it now. And don’t let the anorexic thoughts override your logical and rational thoughts.

    Thinking of you πŸ™‚ x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww thank you so much ❀ i have actually already made progress when it comes to thinking about food πŸ™‚ i see it as fuel… But it's so hard when you are unable to eat because you are sick and I WANT to eat but CANT. And yeah, as I lost so much weight, the voice comes back 'how about one or two pounds less?' And yeah I try to ignore it, but as I lay around all day, sick, having too much time to overthink… It's hard. But I won't give up πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. How are you with drinks? Could you perhaps make some smoothies to help boost your energy?
        Yeah it’s really hard when there’s not much you can do.. You sound a bit more positive though which is great πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I can hardly get up :/ Standing around for more than 1min is already too much… So I don’t think I’ll prepare any smoothie today πŸ™ˆ my mum brings me some things to eat at the moment and I can’t ask her to do more… She already does so much these days… But as soon as I am able to I will πŸ™‚
        Yes I feel a little better.. I was able to eat a couple of cookies and a little bit of toast without vomiting πŸ™‚ my body seems to get a little better πŸ™‚ still very very weak but I see light at the end of the tunnle πŸ™‚
        Your words today have just been so kind, I really really want to say again how much I appreciated that! ❀

        Like

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