I want to scream – but I don’t say a word.

today my tooth got pulled out. This ass***e of a doctor, seriously, he couldn’t even wait until the drugs kick in, until I don’t feel anything anymore… I was crying but the medicaments disabled me of talking and… I felt so weak. I wanted to keep quiet, stay strong, hold back the tears and not let them know how much it hurts. I almost made it. But the pain was too horrible. When we left the medical center, I broke down crying.

Now I spent the afternoon in front of the TV watching some thrillers but I start crying all the time. Without a reason. I decided to blog now because I have been stable within the last 30min. 

The thoughts are really horrible right now. (Please stop reading if you get triggered easily!)

——————–Triggerwarning—————–

I don’t want to live when I can’t recover & have kids. Maybe I am not even able to have kids. What if? What other goals do I have that need a strong body and mind? None? They are not too important to me. When I can have kids: What should I do when I’m too weak to fully recover? Why can’t I just fall asleep and never wake up again…

Don’t worry, I’m not going to kill myself or something. I’ll also have dinner, as far as it is possible with the pains. But I am just feeling so hopeless. 

——————————————————–

I Re-downloaded “Recovery Record” (Recovery app for mobile phones) that I have been using within the last  years but never longer than a week. I want to fully absolve one or two of the challenges now. My first one is a day with 3 healthy meals. Which is hard when you almost cannot eat at all but… Within the next week I’ll complete my first task and go on with the next one. 

Hope you all had a better day ❤

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7 thoughts on “I want to scream – but I don’t say a word.

  1. I’m sorry about what happened. I think everyone is having a bad day, at least on the mental health side of wordpress! Perhaps it’s the fact it’s the half term: we have been so stressed that we haven’t had time to feel, so once the stress is gone, it’s replaced by a different kind of low…that’s my theory. Anyway, please don’t act on your thoughts – I know it’s easier said than done. But trust me, in a few hours, maybe days, you’ll be glad you didn’t hurt yourself. Take care xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww thank you very much… I can absolutely understand your point… The theory is not bed, really…
      Yeah I’ll be better in a couple of days. I’ll be happier soon. And it’s okay to struggle sometimes.
      I’ll not hurt me… Thank you very much and take care too❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I have those thoughts a lot of questioning and doubting my own existence and being worried that I won’t be able to do things in my life that are important to me. I’m sorry you had a bad day…and you know when your day goes horribly like that your thoughts jump on the bandwagon and make it even worse. Stray strong and yes! Use recovery record! I try to use it everyday. Feel better and know that you are not alone ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you love… Thank you very much… I just have to remind myself every couple of minutes: i’m just having a bad day. Not a bad life.
      It’s just pretty hard whith all this pain and not being able eat something solid and yeah… Nothing that contains milk (I would die for a greek yogurt with a little honey right now 😛 ) and I want to recover but actually I’m losing weight…obviously because of my tooth but… I don’t know how to feel about it anymore… And I don’t want to give this space to the negative voices.
      Thank you so much for your encouraging words really… So happy to hear from you everytime I read something you posted 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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