today my tooth got pulled out. This ass***e of a doctor, seriously, he couldn’t even wait until the drugs kick in, until I don’t feel anything anymore… I was crying but the medicaments disabled me of talking and… I felt so weak. I wanted to keep quiet, stay strong, hold back the tears and not let them know how much it hurts. I almost made it. But the pain was too horrible. When we left the medical center, I broke down crying.
Now I spent the afternoon in front of the TV watching some thrillers but I start crying all the time. Without a reason. I decided to blog now because I have been stable within the last 30min.
The thoughts are really horrible right now. (Please stop reading if you get triggered easily!)
I don’t want to live when I can’t recover & have kids. Maybe I am not even able to have kids. What if? What other goals do I have that need a strong body and mind? None? They are not too important to me. When I can have kids: What should I do when I’m too weak to fully recover? Why can’t I just fall asleep and never wake up again…
Don’t worry, I’m not going to kill myself or something. I’ll also have dinner, as far as it is possible with the pains. But I am just feeling so hopeless.
I Re-downloaded “Recovery Record” (Recovery app for mobile phones) that I have been using within the last years but never longer than a week. I want to fully absolve one or two of the challenges now. My first one is a day with 3 healthy meals. Which is hard when you almost cannot eat at all but… Within the next week I’ll complete my first task and go on with the next one.
Hope you all had a better day ❤