There is no elevator in recovery, you have to take THE STEPS 

i read this quote in one post on wordpress a couple of hours ago and I really liked it… So I stole it 😀 (sorry to those who own it but it’s so cool 🙂 )

I decided to try to recover again some days ago. It has been my third relapse but nobody actually realised it. That means: no therapy. Which is good. For me therapy has been useless, even triggering. When I wanted to be better, and stop measuring my worth in kilograms, they weighed me every week. That was actually very triggering for me. But my therapist was pregnant then, last year, and therapy ended. That was in late spring or early summer. In winter I relapsed again.

My weight is not a constant ‘down’. I can lose several kilos within a couple of weeks but put them on again in half the time. I struggle(d) with binging & purging, restricting and overexercising and just a lot of different weird eating habits. It’s gotten harder over the years, my weight has been stable in normalweight range for about 14 months now, but I haven’t been ‘recovered’ at all. I made everyone believe I did, always saying ‘look I eat’ and ‘I’m not underweight’ but to be honest, I have been struggling a lot anyways.

Due to ballet & overexercising, I built up a lot of muscles in my legs. People tend to not believe me that I am not underweight because I look underweight. It’s just that muscles are heavy, so my bmi is way higher than it seems from looking at me. I always thought of this as being super cool because I looked underweight but as soon as a doctor put me onto the scales they couldn’t say anything ‘against me’…

So far for my story. At least some bits of it. My past has always been full of struggles, self harm, depression, rape, bullying, … 

But I want to have a brighter future! I think I have many reasons to recover:

  • Ballet. I have to be strong enough to dance!
  • My boyfriend. In autumn this years we want to move in our first own apartment, study at university and start over, in another city. I want to be able to start over and live a new life without ED some time. 
  • I’m so sick of relapsing/recovering/relapsing…purging/binging/restricting…hiding/panicking/crying/isolating……… And so on and so on. I WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN! 
  • Maybe I want to have kids in the future. They need a healthy and strong mum. 

So this was just a lot of random information about me 😉 just to show you a little of the person behind this blog 🙂 

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