today my boyfriend came over and we really had a good time and I was happy (maybe a little dizzy because of the tons of painkillers…). We were outside and walking the dog, having fruitsalad, muffins and fun, so yeah, over all it was a great afternoon…
There is still a topic I can’t cope with. Marriage. He just made a joke about me being his wife in future, and I immediatly felt super insecure. Don’t get me wrong! I love him, and I will marry him one day I guess, but I’m insecure about this topic. It’s just that I find it so hard to trust somebody to a extent where you NEED somebody so badly. I could never really rely on people. I know he’s different. He would never hurt me. But somehow… When the time is to come, I just want to be surprised. I don’t want to talk about that topic at all. I don’t want to have the possibility to overthink. I know it’s coward to just run away like that. But that’s how I feel.
I am still so insecure in some things. I just want to be a good girlfriend. (A good dancer, friend, daughter, maybe mother, sister………) I’m not a perfectionist when it comes to grades or my environment (like a perfectly tidied up room (hahahaha not mine 😉 ) ), but I’m a real perfectionist when it comes to my own personality. I just want to be liked by everyone. Help everyone. Be respected by everyone. And this is impossible.